We're all worn thin from all of this
At the end of our hope, with nothing left
Oh great God, give us rest
Oh great God, do your best
Have You seen this place, it's all a mess
And I've done my part too well I guess
Oh great God, do your best
Could You take a song and make it Thine?
From a crooked heart twisted up like mine
Would You open up Heaven's glory light?
Shine on in and give these dead bones life...
This song has played through my mind over and over again the past few days. Things have been difficult the past few days. I have been to the point of not being able to do anything but have that song go through my head. I have been mad a the world, at God at EVERYTHING. I haven't been able to pray, read the bible or even listen to music without crying. I am mad that I have to walk into the NICU everyday and mad that my sweet girl is there, mad that I have to leave when I don't want to, mad that I have to pump instead of breastfeed, and mad when I see other people holding their preemie child. In some ways I am mad God has sent us here to Japan, and we are in a NICU where basically I can't hold my little girl until she is off oxygen. Even though they know that kangaroo care (skin to skin contact) is very benificial for both babies and mothers. According to our doctor there just isn't enough room in the tiny NICU to do it. And while I see their point at least about the size of our area of the NICU, I am mad!!! As a mother I just long to hold my baby, I have dreamed and thought of that day and Karis is 40 days old and I still haven't held her. Of course I am very thankful for all the ways my child has been helped and I know she is alive due to all that the NICU has done to help her, but I am mad/sad. I feel what that song says...Oh God give us rest, have you seen this place? It's a mess! I AM A MESS! Sometimes I truly wonder at the things that go though my mind. But what I have to come back to is God is here with me in this mess. I know that God is called the God of comfort, and I have felt this comfort so many times when I have turned to Him in my pain. So I am praying that he will be there to comfort Karis as she needs since I can't. I am praying that he will hold her tight when I can't. That she will feel loved because frankly I think 40 days is to long for any stable baby ( this is how the doctors have described her over and over again), to not be held by her mother. Clifford talked about it again today with Dr. Chiba, the answer is still no, so all we can do is pray they will change their mind of that she we do really well and holding will happen sooner than expected.
On to Karis :)
CPAP- As you know she was put on CPAP. What is it you might wonder?? CPAP is- Continuous positive airway pressure. In premature babies, CPAP is delivered through a set of nasal prongs or through a small mask that fits snugly over a baby’s nose. CPAP is used to deliver constant air pressure into a baby’s nose, which helps the air sacs in the lungs stay open and helps prevent apnea. So, Karis was put on CPAP on Monday and is doing fantastic. I think she may even be surprising the doctors. She stays mostly at 21% oxygen, which is what we breath in room air. That is the lowest setting that their is, so that is fantastic too. The only time they usually need to up the oxygen is during feedings, this is very common. But they can usually decrease it again quickly and she will remain stable. Also, today on day 3 of CPAP they are already starting to put her on room air with monitors to see how she does. She spent 4 hours breathing on her own and only had one episode of low heart rate (the nurse told me). They kept the mask off so we could see her tube free for the first time today!! I was so excited, oh how I love her sweet face. Please pray with us that she continues to improve in this area with no major setbacks.
Weight- She has not gained much weight she is up to 1.84lbs so still under 2lbs. The doctors have said they would like her to be gaining more, but aren't to concerned yet. She is eating 9.5 cc of milk per feeding 12 times per day. So that is about 114 mil. or 3.85 oz a day. Not a full bottle per day yet.
Something that is upcoming. ROP- Retinopathy of prematurity, is a disease that affects the retina of the eye. ROP affects the blood vessels on the retina in a preemie's eyes, and is one of the leading causes of childhood blindness. In the next two weeks she will be tested to see what level she is at. ROP is classified according to different stages. Higher stages of ROP are more severe, and more likely to cause blindness or long-term vision problems. Lower stages of ROP are less severe; most children with stage I and II ROP will improve without treatment and will have normal vision. Please start to pray with us over her eyes. We know the Lord can and will work on our behalf!
I know many of you are teacher friends and many of you are Mama's and a new school year has started! I hope everyone has a great school year. I am not gonna lie, I miss teaching, but I know when sweet pumpkin face is home that will just be a fond memory! Here are some pics and a video (the cutest video in the whole wide world- at least I think so!).
|She LOVES to hold on to something while sleeping. First it was the tube in her mouth now this tube!|
|Big beautiful eyes!|
|A new view, all snuggled up inside my incubator.|