One Month Old

So today marks one month since our princess was born.  But it again marks one month since our son died. Not gonna lie it was a hard day for me with the same set of two opposing emotions. Sad and crying for many parts of the day, and then happy and mostly joyful as we visited with Karis. I wonder what people think of me when they look at me.  Can they tell I am a Mom of a 1 month old, probably not. Do I feel like a Mom of a 1 month old, not really. The only thing that lets me know I have a baby who needs me, the only thing that reminds me throughout the day is the pumping. Also, can they tell I miss my baby Judah, nope probably not. Sometimes I wonder who in the NICU knows our story, and what do they think. There are only a few people I can talk to without the help of my husband, sometimes all of this just makes me sad!!! Then when I get to the NICU and see my sweet girl, I am in LOVE. Oh how long I have waited to be a Mom. I have watched so many friends and all their sweet children and always dreamed of the day it would be my turn. Never thinking I would have a different kind of path to walk.  I may never know why all of this has happened to us, I don't think there is an "answer" to that question. But I do know that we will both keep looking to God as our strength and help during this time.  To say that I am happy my baby girl is one month old would be an UNDER STATEMENT. I know she is an amazing miracle and am so thankful God gave her to us.
So on to an update about Karis
She has responded very well to the transfusion, so much that the doctors started to ween her the very next morning. When we went in on Friday the peek setting on her vent went from 16 to 15 and today it was at 14. Which is great that they are finally doing this, but it was a little bit rough today. During the 2 hours we are able to be in the NICU her alarms went off more than I can every remember. And her main vent alarm went of so many times. I can only remember this happening a few times since she has been on this particular machine. So, needless to say while we were so happy she is now one month old, today was a little stressful. Please pray, pray, pray that she will continue to improve even with the lower settings. I know this is what needs to happen but as her Mom it is hard to watch. She doesn't cry since she is on a vent, but she scrunches her little face and you just know she is hurting, it makes me so sad for her. Please pray that we will have another miracle, a quick transition with no problems. Here is a picture of the princess today!!

We are so thankful for you baby girl!

Danielle